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With the new year approaching and that inevitable will I have someone to kiss at midnight dilemma looming; you may be in the market for new romantic prospects. A first date tonight could turn into a second by Saturday. I would like to give you a few “not to do’s” to make first dating as painless as possible. We’ve all been on first dates where some surprising snippet of personal information is dropped into the conversation in a way that is as jarring an earring falling into your soup. And we’ve all done it. You find a sympathetic ear and the next thing you know, you’re pouring your heart out like you’re in a confessional. Way too much information can be shared way too soon, particularly if alcohol is involved. The following is a list of topics that are best to avoid on a first date: More…
Relationships tend to follow a continuum of comfortableness. One day you’re doing the fake reach for the check after dinner, and the next you’re playing rock, paper, scissors to choose who will make the trip to Chipotle for lunch. Clearly there are other signs that the two of you are getting super close, like going on vacations together and meeting his family, for example. But these are a few funny-because-they’re-true signs that you’ve reached “that point” in your bond. And while every couple’s relationship is different, we think these stages are a pretty good way to gauge the level of closeness you’ve reached—bodily functions and all.
Sending a text without re-reading it six times. Crafting the perfect sentence that is witty, flirty, and has just the right combo of emojis wasexhausting. Now you don’t even care if auto-correct changes “sec” to “sex”.
Ordering what you actually want to eat on a date. Do you look classy eating a burger? Nope. Do you care? Absolutely not. In fact, he enjoys your face in all its ketchup and mustard covered glory. And in return, you let him order that milkshake—even though you know what dairy does to his stomach. Love ain’t always pretty.
He knows about your obsession with Ryan Gosling and you know he might leave you for Hermione Granger, should the opportunity arise. Now if only we could get those two to star in a romantic comedy together. That might be the best porn for couples ever created.
Not caring if they see you without makeup on. He told you once that he thinks you look beautiful with no makeup on, and you definitely do, so you skip the war paint from time to time. You also skip shaving your legs every single time you see him, but that’s mostly for yourself.
Sleeping at their place and, like, actually sleeping. Adult slumber parties are fun. But what’s even more fun is being fine with catching up on some much-needed, drool-inducing sleep. This is the point where you don’t have to have sex every time one of you stays the night. Sometimessnuggling is just as good (if not better).
Having sex with the lights on. You’re comfortable enough with each other to realize that baring it all in broad daylight is really hot. Not to mention you don’t need any liquid encouragement to drop your inhibitions around them—not even morning breath can slow you down.
Not holding back your ugly cry. Whether you’re breaking down about your post-wedding season bank account or watching The Fault in Our Stars with him, you’re not afraid of unleashing the epic cry-face. More importantly, he’s not as afraid of seeing it anymore.
Keeping tampons at his place while he keeps his superhero boxers at your place. The jig is up. He knows you get your period and you know he still has a healthy obsession with Batman. Totally fine.
The day he sees your Spanx. It’s time to come clean—it’s not all lacy lingerie all the time.
Having sex on your period…on purpose. You may have had to ease your way into this one, but you’re close enough now to give it a shot (at least once).
Revealing your 7th grade yearbook picture. Despite the braces and mushroom cut, it appears you turned out just fine. If only your middle school self could see your smokin’ hot significant other. She’d be impressed.
Using each other’s toothbrush. If you already lick each other’s faces, are you really preventing the spread of germs by brushing with your finger? You’ll take your chances.
The day he sees your credit card bills—and you see his. If he doesn’t get mad about your shoe budget, you won’t freak out about how much he really spent in Vegas. Truce?
Going to the bathroom with the door open. Some people may never be cool with this, but if you’ve done it you definitely know you’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy—a gross “of course I’ll pop that zit for you” kind of intimacy. But hey, your love is a beautiful thing.
I have a favorite spot to do almost anything. Eating: on my bed in front of the tv.Working: in my bathtub with my homemade laptop station. Listening to music: in my car. Getting yelled at by my partner: um, that’s a little trickier.
We lived in a townhome for 4 years and before that we lived in various apartments. We always had at least one neighbor adjacent to our place – sometimes as many as four neighbors adjacent to us. With neighbors this close, arguing becomes difficult, if you care about them hearing you. If you have met my husband, you would know a good verbal thrashing every now and then keeps our relationship well balanced.
But it’s ok because I learned that he didn’t really want our neighbors to hear me yelling at him either. At some point I realized that my husband’s voice got softer as I got closer to an adjacent wall or window. This gave me some options to avoid being yelled at myself. Allow me to explain.
As you can see from the image below, we are looking at a standard duplex floor plan. The red areas indicate areas that are conducive to yelling while the green areas represent areas where yelling should be avoided.
Husbands this part is for you: So why did I break international protocol and identify safe areas as red and dangerous areas as green? Husbands, I think you know why. These green areas are safe for you, not safe for yelling. Like the soldiers in WWII who stormed the beaches of France, you should be looking for that one area of protection, of safety, from the storms of marriage. (NOTE: Depending on the anger level, sometimes this method doesn’t work and you have to brave the storm no matter where you are.)
Husbands, I believe that this approach will work even if you don’t have adjoining walls with neighbors. I’m sure you could use an open window, your child’s bedroom door or another spot that could save you from certain wrath.
The point is this: Get to your safety zone!
What safety zones have you found?
For guys, everything is simple. They either like you (most other guys fall into this category), like you a lot (reserved for a select special few, often categorized as an epic (and borderline homosexual) bromance), or they don’t like you and outside maybe a drunken bar brawl choose to avoid interaction altogether. This is easy, logical, and allows for absolutely no confusion. So naturally, girls want nothing to do with the social rules our counterparts follow. We have the girls we looooove, the girls we loooooove but like actually though, and we have frenemies. Why we can’t just openly hate someone? I don’t know…hate isn’t ladylike I guess, even though I think most girls hate each other until they have a reason not to. Because we’re basically sneaky bitches, we’ve developed and abide by a necessary evil: passive aggression. It comes in varying levels, and only the most perfectly passive aggressive women can pull them all off.
Level 1: “Whatever.”
“Whatever” is such an amateur move that it’s hardly passive aggressive at all. It’s mostly just aggressive. Still, though your tone, demeaner, and message are all very clear, you’re still technically saying one thing, while meaning another. This is acceptable in girl world. “Whatever” is usually reserved for people like your best friend, your mother, or your boyfriend with whom you’re not really trying to play games at all. You may choose to follow it up with something like “I mean…I thought you said you were going to go to that thing with me, but if this is more important to you than your prior engagements and the promise you made me, then fine. That’s on you.” You’ve made your message pretty clear, but you can still maybe pretend in your own head for five seconds that you weren’t being a demanding bitch.
Level 2: Subtweeting
For those of you who don’t know, a subtweet is a tweet which has a specific message (usually something bitchy) and a specific recipient, though neither are specifically addressed. An example of a subtweet may be something like “Hahaha, you think I’m jealous? You have white trash face and you’ve redefined ‘Daddy Issues,’ you whore. Get over yourself.” Though this is still largely aggressive, direct confrontation is still avoided, and it is more passive than “whatever.” This is probably the least mature form of passive aggression. Mastery of level 2 means you don’t really know how to mask your true feelings, so instead you only mask for whom they are intended. Level two also includes facebook statuses (which are even worse, somehow than subtweets in my opinion) and those obnoxious “anonymous” notes to your roommate. Most girls are guilty of this occasionally and tend to regret their childishness.
Level 3: “Sweetie,” “Honey,” and “Bless your heart.”
Level 3 passive aggression is as far as a lot of girls get. You think you’re so effing clever, but if you make a habit of using one of these, you might as well just quit and start telling people to go fuck themselves. Maybe it worked for your grandmother, but everyone knows what that means. It’s not smart, it’s not sneaky, and it’s not classy. You’re still very obviously being a cunt. If someone ever dared to utter the phrase “bless your heart” to me in real life, my response would be a quite aggressive “BLESS YOURS, BITCH” followed by an attack on her physical appearance and an empty threat to blow her boyfriend. Maybe that’s just me, but I just feel that phrases like these are poor disguises at kindness, and if you’re going to blatantly be a bitch, I’m going to even more blatantly be one right back. So, sweetie, if something condescending and snarky like this is all your precious little self can muster, THEN GO SHOVE A BOOMERANG LACED WITH ACID UP YOUR ASS. Oh, and bless your heart.
Level 4: The Back-handed compliment.
Before Level 4, it is my personal opinion, that there’s no reason to even try. I don’t care to pretend to be nice to someone if we’re still going to get all worked up about it and you still look like a giant douchebag. Might as well say what I really want to if the circumstances allow. The back-handed compliment is directed toward the girls who you’re not really allowed to hate (but still do), like a sister, or a female friend of your boyfriend. You’re a bitch if you’re openly mean to this person, so you have to be extra sneaky. The important thing to remember here, is the recipient of your “compliment” shouldn’t realize immediately that you’re being a bitch. Something like “that would be a cute skirt on my grandmother” won’t do. Instead I’d opt for something like “Omg I LOVE your skirt! I had one just like it freshman year of high school!” At a first glance, it seems like you’re being nice…but you really just told her she’s dressed like a 14 year-old. You might also try a simple statement like “Wow, you really like to wear a lot of paisley.” I enjoy these blanket statements because even if you didn’t say something mean…she will toil over her (maybe) excessively paisley wardrobe for quite some time all because of onnneee condescendingly over-emphasized word. Genius levels of bitchery sprinkled with class. Kudos for your mastery of level 4 passive aggression.
Level 5: “Oh.”
Level 5 passive aggression is an artform. It takes practice, to both detect and to execute. Here, we are definitely more passive than aggressive, and it’s not an easy task. When done correctly, the girl on the receiving end of your bitchery will never be quite sure you intended to be a bitch, but either way, you’ll put her the fuck in her place. She says something absolutely ridiculous, bitchy, stupid, slutty…whatever. What do you want to do? Rip her hair out and tell her off. What will get to her the most while keeping your dignity intact? A simple “oh.” Do you know how nuts a well-timed, perfectly condescending “oh” can drive someone. Tone is crucial. You can’t use a bitchy “oh,” a sarcastic “oh,” a questioning “oh,” an elongated “oh,” or an abbreviated “oh.” It needs to be polite, and make her rack her brains trying to figure out what was in your head when you said it. Also in this category is strategically liking something on facebook (some bitch is writing on your boyfriend’s wall? Nothing says “I’m watching you” like a casual thumbs up) retweeting her on twitter (want to make her feel like a moron? An RT to show the world what an idiot she is will do the trick), or the absolutely evil no-teeth smile. Are any of these things actually bitchy? Not in the slightest. And if she retaliates or complains to someone that you SMILED at her wrong…she’s a psycho. But the bottom line is you were trying to give her a message, it was well-received, and no one else in the world will ever know. It’s beautiful, really. If you can pull this off, I mean really pull it off, not just think you’re pulling it off, then I’ll probably be too impressed with you to be mad about it. Nice work.
Lately it seems like everywhere you look, the world has become, for lack of a better term…really trashy. People become famous for bumping uglies via home video and for paying women with Daddy issues to hoover away…which is only okay when Richard Gere does it. After marital indiscretions, politicians, the leaders and presumed role models of this country proceed to dump their wives upon their diagnosis of cancer. Marriages have turned into publicity stunts lasting only 72 days then second marriages are placed in the off icing betting pool. TV shows are dedicated to depicting the lives of teen mothers. Celebrities boast about having “tiger blood,” “winning,” and all the drugs they use. When did it become okay to worship and praise those who have a lower moral standing than the rest of us do? As women, shouldn’t we be trying to be “Kate’s” instead of “Kim’s”?
I’ll admit, I’m no saint. Far from it. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all reached that moment when we’re one shot away from complete and utter obliteration. But we need to be able to resist, as appealing as it may be, making fools of ourselves. I’m not saying don’t drink. Let’s be serious, not drinking is not an option. On the other hand, being a drunken slut shouldn’t be either. “Well, I was drunk” has become the most widely over-used BS response to misbehavior to date…but let’s not kid ourselves here. Before you go out there’s always that nagging question in the back of your mind: “How far am I willing to go tonight?” You know what you’re doing. Drunk is not a reason; it’s an excuse.
Drunken misadventures aside, our reputations as classy upstanding members of society remain at stake. Our vocabulary says a lot about who we are. Question: are we guidos and guidettes? No, and we never will be. Why? I hope it’s obvious to you, or you probably shouldn’t be on this site or reading my book.
You may think I’m preaching or that this is some sort of Jehova-Witness-inspired ploy to stop everyone from having fun, but that’s not it. Gentlemen, though you may have an affinity for loose women now, one day you will want to get married and you’ll thank me then when there are still classy ladies around. If all women were to succumb to the ideals perpetuated by MTV and Bravo, your breeding pool would no longer exist. Do you really want to deal with a bunch of disease-ridden, cigarette-smoking, disrespectful women who are mothers to three children by graduation? No. Who would you marry then? None other than the self-respecting women who currently seem to be disdained.
So ladies, let’s remember to keep our high social standing, not only on our girls nights out, but everywhere we go. Even though recently it seems like we might be faltering, remember who you are and what we stand for. No matter who you are, the things you do and say affect us all. So please, let’s try to keep it that way
Perhaps I’m a cynic and wildly jaded. Feel free to disagree with everything I say and continue to naively believe every handsome “gentleman” who crosses your path, but I’ve known enough douchey boys to come to the conclusion that everything a guy ever says is a lie. Well, maybe not everything. When they tell you “I’m really not looking for a girlfriend right now” they probably mean that. But I’ve composed for you the top five most frequently used lies that you shouldn’t fall for twice. More…
Believe it or not, I’m only a bitch most of the time, and as previously discussed, I actually have felt bad turning guys down sometimes. After all, they already have to live their whole lives looking like that, which probably means they have low self-esteem, will get a mediocre job, and end up in a loveless marriage with bratty kids who always wonder why they can’t keep up with the Joneses.Take it from a former serial dater tat has had many a night of feeling guilty about having had the thought “Did he really think he had a shot with me?” I’ve come up with the “right way” to turn a guy down. More…