Breaking up really is hard to do. Especially when it never ends. I’m not talking about the indecisive, on and off, are we or aren’t we break up. I’m referring to the significant other that just won’t move on.
Giving them “space” or “taking a break” doesn’t mean there is a waves crashing, passion clutching reconciliation in the near future. “Taking a break” is the training wheels of breaking up. It’s that you say to ease someone into the it’s over for good, lose my number and get the fuck out for good break up. You have to let them coast a little before letting go of the handle bars. No one wants to be blame for their ex’s late night, booze filled crash and burn.
If subtly isn’t your game (it sure isn’t mine) then here a few things to assure they won’t be calling and begging you to take them back:
1. Have your new boyfriend/girlfriend break up with them for you.
2. Scoreboard dumping. Ever see those people who propose on the big screens at basketball games?
3. Attach your positive STD results to your Dear John letter.
4. Show him your friends sonogram, forget to mention it’s your friends.
5. Leave the country and send them an email in another language that they need to get a translator to decipher. (I guess you don’t really have to leave the country, but I love a flair for the dramatics)
6. Send them on a day long treasure hunt… the end price is a one way ticket to singledom!
7. Confess to murder and try to frame them for the crime.
8. If your soon to be ex is considerably younger than you, tell them you are there real biological parent.
9. Hide their dog and tell them you didn’t see it behind that tire. (Don’t really run over the dog!)
10. My favorite….make them so miserable, they dump you.