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Do You Suffer From Chronic Bitch Face?


    Chronic bitch face is a debilitating attribute that affects the facial muscles, causing the afflicted to look like a total and complete bitch. This crippling and socially impairing handicap deems a girl guilty of looking pissed off 80 percent of the time. Symptoms include emotionless eyes, fierce eyebrows, and an overall stern appearance. As a woman affected by chronic bitch face, I can personally attest that it is no fun and quite annoying. It’s not that I’m actually constantly angry or irritated–my face just happens to naturally look like that of a total asshole. I’m not talking about a Tyra Banks type of beautiful fierceness, I’m talking about a chronic Grumpy Cat expression. Unless I’m actively smiling or making an effort to not look like I just murdered a family of six, I look like I’m pissed at the world. It sucks, because other than that, I’m a relatively approachable person (after I’ve had my coffee, that is). You know that you also suffer from chronic bitch face if you resonate with the following situations:

-You have to reassure your friends anywhere from five to 10 times a day that you are NOT mad at them.
-You may feel totally content and happy, but you look like Kristen Stewart.
-You sometimes forget how mean you look and are confused when people avoid eye contact or look terrified to be around you.
-Your cute, flirtatious smile actually makes you look like you’ve devised a new murder scheme.
-Your family constantly tells you smile, and you’re like, “I’m fucking happy, dammit.”
-You get asked the same questions on a daily basis: ”Are you pissed about something?” “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.” “Are you bored?” “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
-You have to respond to these questions, saying, “NOTHING IS WRONG. IT’S JUST MY FACE.”
-Your friends eventually open up to you and tell you they didn’t like you the first few times they met you. You’ve gotten, “I thought you were a butch” at least a solid 15 times.
-You have to use a wide array of vocal tones to make up for the fact that your face is stuck in such a bored expression.
-You generally give off an awful first impression.
-People expect your attitude toward strangers is similar to that of Kanye’s toward the paparazzi.
-You have to tell people when you actually are pissed, because your angry face is pretty much identical to your resting face.
-In fact, if your face had a slogan, it would be “Get the hell away from me.”
-Your cheeks hurt from faking a smile the entire time during a conversation with a person you’ve just met, because you don’t want him or her automatically thinking that you’re a dick.
-People think you’re PMSing every day of the month.
-You look like you’re plotting a mass murder, when in reality you’re just wondering what’s for lunch.
-Your significant other lives in constant fear that he has done something wrong.
-You’ve learned to own your bitch face, because you are awesome and anyone who sticks around through your misleading mask will see that.


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