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dating,dating advice,did I really do my hair for this?,humor,love,marriage,men,relationships,sex

14 Stages of Comfortable in a Relationship

 

Relationships tend to follow a continuum of comfortableness. One day you’re doing the fake reach for the check after dinner, and the next you’re playing rock, paper, scissors to choose who will make the trip to Chipotle for lunch. Clearly there are other signs that the two of you are getting super close, like going on vacations together and meeting his family, for example. But these are a few funny-because-they’re-true signs that you’ve reached “that point” in your bond. And while every couple’s relationship is different, we think these stages are a pretty good way to gauge the level of closeness you’ve reached—bodily functions and all.

Sending a text without re-reading it six times. Crafting the perfect sentence that is witty, flirty, and has just the right combo of emojis wasexhausting. Now you don’t even care if auto-correct changes “sec” to “sex”.

Ordering what you actually want to eat on a date. Do you look classy eating a burger? Nope. Do you care? Absolutely not. In fact, he enjoys your face in all its ketchup and mustard covered glory. And in return, you let him order that milkshake—even though you know what dairy does to his stomach. Love ain’t always pretty.

He knows about your obsession with Ryan Gosling and you know he might leave you for Hermione Granger, should the opportunity arise. Now if only we could get those two to star in a romantic comedy together. That might be the best porn for couples ever created.

Not caring if they see you without makeup on.  He told you once that he thinks you look beautiful with no makeup on, and you definitely do, so you skip the war paint from time to time. You also skip shaving your legs every single time you see him, but that’s mostly for yourself.

Sleeping at their place and, like, actually sleeping. Adult slumber parties are fun. But what’s even more fun is being fine with catching up on some much-needed, drool-inducing sleep. This is the point where you don’t have to have sex every time one of you stays the night. Sometimessnuggling is just as good (if not better).

Having sex with the lights on. You’re comfortable enough with each other to realize that baring it all in broad daylight is really hot. Not to mention you don’t need any liquid encouragement to drop your inhibitions around them—not even morning breath can slow you down.

Not holding back your ugly cry. Whether you’re breaking down about your post-wedding season bank account or watching The Fault in Our Stars  with him, you’re not afraid of unleashing the epic cry-face. More importantly, he’s not as afraid of seeing it anymore.

Keeping tampons at his place while he keeps his superhero boxers at your place. The jig is up. He knows you get your period and you know he still has a healthy obsession with Batman. Totally fine.

The day he sees your Spanx. It’s time to come clean—it’s not all lacy lingerie all the time.

Having sex on your period…on purpose. You may have had to ease your way into this one, but you’re close enough now to give it a shot (at least once).

Revealing your 7th grade yearbook picture. Despite the braces and mushroom cut, it appears you turned out just fine. If only your middle school self could see your smokin’ hot significant other. She’d be impressed.

Using each other’s toothbrush. If you already lick each other’s faces, are you really preventing the spread of germs by brushing with your finger? You’ll take your chances.

The day he sees your credit card bills—and you see his. If he doesn’t get mad about your shoe budget, you won’t freak out about how much he really spent in Vegas. Truce?

Going to the bathroom with the door open. Some people may never be cool with this, but if you’ve done it you definitely know you’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy—a gross “of course I’ll pop that zit for you” kind of intimacy. But hey, your love is a beautiful thing.

 

advice,did I really do my hair for this?,humor,marriage,relationships

The Domesticated Domicile

 

I have a favorite spot to do almost anything. Eating: on my bed in front of the tv.Working: in my bathtub with my homemade laptop stationListening to music: in my car. Getting yelled at by my partner: um, that’s a little trickier.

We lived in a townhome for 4 years and before that we lived in various apartments. We always had at least one neighbor adjacent to our place – sometimes as many as four neighbors adjacent to us. With neighbors this close, arguing becomes difficult, if you care about them hearing you. If you have met my husband, you would know a good verbal thrashing every now and then keeps our relationship well balanced.

But it’s ok because I learned that he didn’t really want our neighbors to hear me yelling at him either.  At some point I realized that my husband’s voice got softer as I got closer to an adjacent wall or window. This gave me some options to avoid being yelled at myself. Allow me to explain.

As you can see from the image below, we are looking at a standard duplex floor plan. The red areas indicate areas that are conducive to yelling while the green areas represent areas where yelling should be avoided.

Husbands this part is for you: So why did I break international protocol and identify safe areas as red and dangerous areas as green? Husbands, I think you know why. These green areas are safe for you, not safe for yelling. Like the soldiers in WWII who stormed the beaches of France, you should be looking for that one area of protection, of safety, from the storms of marriage. (NOTE: Depending on the anger level, sometimes this method doesn’t work and you have to brave the storm no matter where you are.)

Husbands, I believe that this approach will work even if you don’t have adjoining walls with neighbors. I’m sure you could use an open window, your child’s bedroom door or another spot that could save you from certain wrath.

The point is this: Get to your safety zone!

What safety zones have you found?

advice,did I really do my hair for this?,humor

What Happened to Having Class?

 

Lately it seems like everywhere you look, the world has become, for lack of a better term…really trashy. People become famous for bumping uglies via home video and for paying women with Daddy issues to hoover away…which is only okay when Richard Gere does it. After marital indiscretions, politicians, the leaders and presumed role models of this country proceed to dump their wives upon their diagnosis of cancer. Marriages have turned into publicity stunts lasting only 72 days then second marriages are placed in the off icing betting pool. TV shows are dedicated to depicting the lives of teen mothers. Celebrities boast about having “tiger blood,” “winning,” and all the drugs they use. When did it become okay to worship and praise those who have a lower moral standing than the rest of us do? As women, shouldn’t we be trying to be “Kate’s” instead of “Kim’s”?

I’ll admit, I’m no saint. Far from it. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all reached that moment when we’re one shot away from complete and utter obliteration. But we need to be able to resist, as appealing as it may be, making fools of ourselves. I’m not saying don’t drink. Let’s be serious, not drinking is not an option. On the other hand, being a drunken slut shouldn’t be either. “Well, I was drunk” has become the most widely over-used BS response to misbehavior to date…but let’s not kid ourselves here. Before you go out there’s always that nagging question in the back of your mind: “How far am I willing to go tonight?” You know what you’re doing. Drunk is not a reason; it’s an excuse.

Drunken misadventures aside, our reputations as classy upstanding members of society remain at stake. Our vocabulary says a lot about who we are. Question: are we guidos and guidettes? No, and we never will be. Why? I hope it’s obvious to you, or you probably shouldn’t be on this site or reading my book.

You may think I’m preaching or that this is some sort of Jehova-Witness-inspired ploy to stop everyone from having fun, but that’s not it. Gentlemen, though you may have an affinity for loose women now, one day you will want to get married and you’ll thank me then when there are still classy ladies around. If all  women were to succumb to the ideals perpetuated by MTV and Bravo, your breeding pool would no longer exist. Do you really want to deal with a bunch of disease-ridden, cigarette-smoking, disrespectful women who are mothers to three children by graduation? No. Who would you marry then? None other than the self-respecting women who currently seem to be disdained.

So ladies, let’s remember to keep our high social standing, not only on our girls nights out, but everywhere we go. Even though recently it seems like we might be faltering, remember who you are and what we stand for. No matter who you are, the things you do and say affect us all. So please, let’s try to keep it that way

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advice,dating advice,humor

How DO You Appropriately Turn Down a Guy?

 

Believe it or not, I’m only a bitch most of the time, and as previously discussed, I actually have felt bad turning guys down sometimes. After all, they already have to live their whole lives looking like that, which probably means they have low self-esteem, will get a mediocre job, and end up in a loveless marriage with bratty kids who always wonder why they can’t keep up with the Joneses.Take it from a former serial dater tat has had many a night of feeling guilty about having had the thought “Did he really think he had a shot with me?” I’ve come up with the “right way” to turn a guy down. More…

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dating,humor,relationships

Flying pigs

 

Hell has frozen over, pigs are flying, the fat lady has finally sung.
Ladies and gentlemen the dating ( but not the disasters) of this single girl has ended.

I’m engaged!
Not in a domestic dispute , but engaged to be married.

It’s true! Maybe he read my last post, but future fiancé is now present and finally got the hint!

I think this is the perfect opportunity to take my writing in a new direction. (Maybe not completely new) I will still be writing about the disasters and hilarious stories that seem to follow me around. However, as I embark on this new chapter of my life; I am going to write about the stress of planning a wedding, or running away and the shit your newlywed friends never tell you until it comes out in couples therapy!
Don’t worry, you will still be getting some blast from the past single girl disasters and I will always stay true with my no nonsense storytelling style!

dating,humor

The Waiting Game

 

Me and the bf have been pretty serious for quite a while now. We are living together, we share kitchen duty, he even refers to himself as my dogs “daddy”. So, naturally we have been easing into the next step of our relationship…getting engaged. He is just easing into it a little slower than I prefer. We have been to look at rings, we’ve discussed locations, he even told his big mouth friend that he’s got the rock! What is the hold up?

Is proposing like jumping out of a plane? The longer you stand at the edge, the bigger rush you get when you finally do jump? Except the girl waiting on the ground below is getting pretty anxious and not any younger might I add. What’s going on up there!

I’m trying not to be to pushy. Although, I have dropped some subtle hints. I let him know why schedule every week as not to interfere with a proposal. I paint my nails in front of him every night and casually mention how “something just seems missing”. Yeah, I know that one isn’t so subtle. But, come on! He’s got the ring, so rip the band aid off and ask already!

If my hints get any more obvious, Ill be wearing a veil to bed. Then he will be heading for the hills and I will be looking for a new future fiancé.

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