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dating,dating advice,did I really do my hair for this?,humor,love,marriage,men,relationships,sex

14 Stages of Comfortable in a Relationship

 

Relationships tend to follow a continuum of comfortableness. One day you’re doing the fake reach for the check after dinner, and the next you’re playing rock, paper, scissors to choose who will make the trip to Chipotle for lunch. Clearly there are other signs that the two of you are getting super close, like going on vacations together and meeting his family, for example. But these are a few funny-because-they’re-true signs that you’ve reached “that point” in your bond. And while every couple’s relationship is different, we think these stages are a pretty good way to gauge the level of closeness you’ve reached—bodily functions and all.

Sending a text without re-reading it six times. Crafting the perfect sentence that is witty, flirty, and has just the right combo of emojis wasexhausting. Now you don’t even care if auto-correct changes “sec” to “sex”.

Ordering what you actually want to eat on a date. Do you look classy eating a burger? Nope. Do you care? Absolutely not. In fact, he enjoys your face in all its ketchup and mustard covered glory. And in return, you let him order that milkshake—even though you know what dairy does to his stomach. Love ain’t always pretty.

He knows about your obsession with Ryan Gosling and you know he might leave you for Hermione Granger, should the opportunity arise. Now if only we could get those two to star in a romantic comedy together. That might be the best porn for couples ever created.

Not caring if they see you without makeup on.  He told you once that he thinks you look beautiful with no makeup on, and you definitely do, so you skip the war paint from time to time. You also skip shaving your legs every single time you see him, but that’s mostly for yourself.

Sleeping at their place and, like, actually sleeping. Adult slumber parties are fun. But what’s even more fun is being fine with catching up on some much-needed, drool-inducing sleep. This is the point where you don’t have to have sex every time one of you stays the night. Sometimessnuggling is just as good (if not better).

Having sex with the lights on. You’re comfortable enough with each other to realize that baring it all in broad daylight is really hot. Not to mention you don’t need any liquid encouragement to drop your inhibitions around them—not even morning breath can slow you down.

Not holding back your ugly cry. Whether you’re breaking down about your post-wedding season bank account or watching The Fault in Our Stars  with him, you’re not afraid of unleashing the epic cry-face. More importantly, he’s not as afraid of seeing it anymore.

Keeping tampons at his place while he keeps his superhero boxers at your place. The jig is up. He knows you get your period and you know he still has a healthy obsession with Batman. Totally fine.

The day he sees your Spanx. It’s time to come clean—it’s not all lacy lingerie all the time.

Having sex on your period…on purpose. You may have had to ease your way into this one, but you’re close enough now to give it a shot (at least once).

Revealing your 7th grade yearbook picture. Despite the braces and mushroom cut, it appears you turned out just fine. If only your middle school self could see your smokin’ hot significant other. She’d be impressed.

Using each other’s toothbrush. If you already lick each other’s faces, are you really preventing the spread of germs by brushing with your finger? You’ll take your chances.

The day he sees your credit card bills—and you see his. If he doesn’t get mad about your shoe budget, you won’t freak out about how much he really spent in Vegas. Truce?

Going to the bathroom with the door open. Some people may never be cool with this, but if you’ve done it you definitely know you’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy—a gross “of course I’ll pop that zit for you” kind of intimacy. But hey, your love is a beautiful thing.

 

advice,did I really do my hair for this?,humor,marriage,relationships

The Domesticated Domicile

 

I have a favorite spot to do almost anything. Eating: on my bed in front of the tv.Working: in my bathtub with my homemade laptop stationListening to music: in my car. Getting yelled at by my partner: um, that’s a little trickier.

We lived in a townhome for 4 years and before that we lived in various apartments. We always had at least one neighbor adjacent to our place – sometimes as many as four neighbors adjacent to us. With neighbors this close, arguing becomes difficult, if you care about them hearing you. If you have met my husband, you would know a good verbal thrashing every now and then keeps our relationship well balanced.

But it’s ok because I learned that he didn’t really want our neighbors to hear me yelling at him either.  At some point I realized that my husband’s voice got softer as I got closer to an adjacent wall or window. This gave me some options to avoid being yelled at myself. Allow me to explain.

As you can see from the image below, we are looking at a standard duplex floor plan. The red areas indicate areas that are conducive to yelling while the green areas represent areas where yelling should be avoided.

Husbands this part is for you: So why did I break international protocol and identify safe areas as red and dangerous areas as green? Husbands, I think you know why. These green areas are safe for you, not safe for yelling. Like the soldiers in WWII who stormed the beaches of France, you should be looking for that one area of protection, of safety, from the storms of marriage. (NOTE: Depending on the anger level, sometimes this method doesn’t work and you have to brave the storm no matter where you are.)

Husbands, I believe that this approach will work even if you don’t have adjoining walls with neighbors. I’m sure you could use an open window, your child’s bedroom door or another spot that could save you from certain wrath.

The point is this: Get to your safety zone!

What safety zones have you found?

advice,dating,dating books,love,relationships,top 5,Uncategorized

5 Lies You Shouldn’t Fall For Twice

 

Perhaps I’m a cynic and wildly jaded. Feel free to disagree with everything I say and continue to naively believe every handsome “gentleman” who crosses your path, but I’ve known enough douchey boys to come to the conclusion that everything a guy ever says is a lie. Well, maybe not everything. When they tell you “I’m really not looking for a girlfriend right now” they probably mean that. But I’ve composed for you the top five most frequently used lies that you shouldn’t fall for twice. More…

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dating,humor,relationships

Flying pigs

 

Hell has frozen over, pigs are flying, the fat lady has finally sung.
Ladies and gentlemen the dating ( but not the disasters) of this single girl has ended.

I’m engaged!
Not in a domestic dispute , but engaged to be married.

It’s true! Maybe he read my last post, but future fiancé is now present and finally got the hint!

I think this is the perfect opportunity to take my writing in a new direction. (Maybe not completely new) I will still be writing about the disasters and hilarious stories that seem to follow me around. However, as I embark on this new chapter of my life; I am going to write about the stress of planning a wedding, or running away and the shit your newlywed friends never tell you until it comes out in couples therapy!
Don’t worry, you will still be getting some blast from the past single girl disasters and I will always stay true with my no nonsense storytelling style!

advice,love,relationship advice,relationships

Adventures in Vacation Sex

 

As the weather turns colder, our hormones heat up. Everyone is fleeing the Wintertime blues and taking post holiday vacations. You are yearning to lose the layers and it has many of us wanting to do more, especially girls. They are sluttin’ it up on vacation…and it’s OK!
You go on vacation for some rest and relaxation.   It’s probably a time you don’t care about calories, you plan to spend your days with tons of drinks and a lot of recuperation.  Sex should definitely be on the menu because there is nothing like getting back to reality, with a glow on your skin and a smile on your face! 
Ladies, it is of the utmost importance to always act like a lady…except when you’re on vacation.   Girls, this is the one time you are allowed to act less than ladylike.  You are always hearing about how no matter what you do, there is always a double standard in sex and sure you’d like to act like guys do, but it doesn’t seem to work out for you.  Well, here’s your chance.  If you are down….to get down, you can go on vacation and release your so-called “inner slut” and not worry about judgement because chances are (and you want this) you won’t be seeing him again.

Guys, this is the perfect time you can have sex guilt-free.  You don’t have to worry about the awkward phone call the next day or the obligation of making sure you don’t hurt her feelings because the girl that does vacation sex right doesn’t want to hear from you after.
If you are able to do this right, you’ll be able to get in, get off, and get out.

So, hey girl, single or attached and you feel like you want to jump into the sex pool?  Here are some simple rules if you are thinking of taking a dip on your trip .

  • Have a plan. Like a military mission, if you are with a group or even just another girlfriend, make sure they understand the plan and stick to it.  Maybe have some code words, hand gestures, whatever, just make sure you are always on the same page as your party or it might ruin your chances of a mission accomplished.
  • Once you find a guy you want to hook up with, make eye contact, flirt, then quickly find out if he’s available and make your move.
  • Keep to small talk.  You don’t need to know how many brothers and sisters he has.  You don’t care.  The only thing you care about is if  he’s aware you are about to take what you want – no prisoners!
  • Once you get yours. Get up, do not nap.  Put your clothes on, move, quickly out.  If you don’t, you are leaving the door open to unwanted things like dreaded conversation.
  • NO sleeping over, or cuddling for that matter.  Refer to bullet point 1* Have a plan*(*You don’t want to get into a situation where you are hooking up with one person and your friend is hooking up with the other and they decide for the both of you, you will stay there.  Make sure whoever is with you and wants to participate knows the plan!) -Ladies, we can be suckers for a cuddle sesh, DON’T DO IT.  It’s better this way.  You don’t have to worry about hearing him snore, no need to make him a sandwich after.  You get to go back to your comfy bed.
  • Do not exchange information. -No phone numbers, what do you have to talk about?  You don’t even need to know his name really.  No Facebook info, or Twitter info, or anything like that.  Keep it simple and off the social media radar (All relationships should be kept off the social media radar anyway) -You don’t need to hook up with them again.  You move on to someone else.  It’s vacation, you WILL find someone else to hook up with.  No recycling hook-ups, got it?
  • Do not get caught up in the moment beyond sex.  You may be vacationing in a romantic place.  You are walking along the beach on the way back to a guys hotel room and the light from the moon (probably along with some strong beer goggles) starts to make your hook up look like your future baby daddy.  You will think you are falling in love.  You.are.not. OK?  You’ve seen the Bachelorette.  Sure, on vacation, it’s easy to fall in love.  It’s when they get back to the real world that they realize it’s not all roses and rainbows.  Not to say love can’t happen on vacation but more than likely, it won’t.  It falls along the same lines as meeting the love of your life at the bar.  You certainly can, but you probably won’t.

        ……and the NUMBER ONE rule when sexationing:

  • BE SAFE!  Girls make sure you are carrying protection.  Do not depend on the guy to do it.  Show him you mean business by being prepared.  The last thing you need is returning home and finding you’ve brought any unwanted souvenirs such as unwanted rugrats or STDs!

What are your rules for vacation sex?

did I really do my hair for this?,love,relationships

Cooking up an apology

 

And this is what a serious relationship looks like…..

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