Now that I am in a serious and a monogamous relationship, the nature of my posts might change a bit. My level of craziness will not. My boyfriend recently had his wisdom teeth removed and while I was sitting in the waiting room of his dentists office I took it upon myself to use the peace and quiet go through his phone. By peace and quiet I mean not being interrupted by him bounding into the room and ripping my research (I.E. his phone) from my hands. I started at the beginning of the alphabet. Allison, Autumm, Ashley… What the fuck? That was just the A’s. Who actually knows four Caroline’s and 3 Tiffany’s. Apparently, my boyfriend does. We’ve been dating for 6 months. I know he’s not cheating so he doesn’t need all these sluts taking up space in his phones memory. I hesitate before I start to purge 20 or so contacts. I don’t like to be sneaky. I don’t like it but that doesn’t mean I wont do it. Maybe I should ask him about them. They are most likely desperate girls that wouldn’t leave him alone at the bar until he took their number. I know because I was one of those girls. Not one of those desperate girls, because he actually called me. Guys never throw away anything. They certainly don’t evaluate and delete unnecessary phone contacts bi-weekly like I do. But, I know that he”ll get defensive and pissed if I bring it up. Is it wrong to interrogate someone while they are still under the effects of a post op sedative? Propofol could be a useful truth serum. Maybe if Michael Jackson had used it on his doc for that reason instead of for his own insomnia we would still be treated to Thriller live one day. I’ll let it go for now and get my boyfriend a milkshake and baby him back to health. Men are such pussies. It’s getting your wisdom teeth taken out not a kidney transplant! But, he better not be thinking that any of the Tiffany’s will be tending to his dry sockets. Those bitches got deleted!
If he says: “I’ll call you when I get back”: translation is: wherever I’m going I’m not coming back so don’t wait for my call.
“I’ll call you when I’m done”: when I’m done curing cancer or traveling to outer space to service the Russian space station. Might be a while.
“I’ll call you when I get home”: really means; I’m homeless so don’t hold your breath.
“I’ll call you right back”: get a good book cause it’s going to be awhile.
“I’ll call you soon”: soon to him means whenever he remembers your name so u don’t figure out that you are programed as “big tits girl from bar” in his phone.
And then he”ll; nope , this guy isn’t ever going to call.
Stop waiting by the phone. No answer is your answer.
So, it has been almost six years since I graduated college. I am now back in a college again for another degree. No, not a Masters, unless you can get your M.S. in professional procrastination of life. I am getting another Bachelors degree. 1 + 1= 2 so two B.S. should equal one Masters, right? Another degree in graphic design or japanese art history and you can start referring to me as Doctor! I am walking across campus top class this morning amongst twenty year old girls in cut off shorts and guys riding there bikes with iPods blasting and pass a fellow late twenty something. He looks to be near my age because his facial hair looks un forced (not like he has been working on it for moths) and he isn’t wearing any University paraphernalia or a shirt that says Grab My Balls or some other not so clever play on words. He actually turns to check me out as we pass each other. I know this because it is true that I have eyes in the back of my head. I start to get a little spring in my step since this attention comes at such an early hour and I’m not wearing any makeup. Then he turns again, stops and calls my name. Oh shit. I hate small talk. Especially with strangers and acquaintances. Before I can remind myself that I don’t want to talk to anyone at 8am I have already turned around like a knee jerk reaction whenever my name is called. This guy approaches me and wraps me in a huge bear hug as he goes on about how good it is to see me and how long it’s been. Besides the fact he has crossed way over into my personal space and is now hugging me is blowing my mind. But, who the fuck is this guy? I back away and pretend to know him by repeating that it has been so long (like forever) and it’s so great to see him again too. I try to place him. Nothing. He smelled a bit familiar when he hugged me, but I may have just liked his cologne. We probably had a class together my first time around in college (which I will now refer to as round 1) and I flirted with him so he would let me cheat off of him in class. Although, he does not look very smart or like someone I would choose to cheat off of. I recommend the foreign students as unknowing tutors. We part ways and I am very confused as to who he is and why he was so happy to see me. Then he turns and checks me out again! That;s when it clicks. Not who he is, but how I possibly know him. Right there at 8am in the middle of a college campus this guy totally undresses me with his eyes and gives me that “I’ve seen you naked look”. It was a good thing I had my sunglasses on or he would have read the confusion all over my face. You know that look. I can’t explain it, but it’s the look you give to someone that says,” I know what you look like naked with your eyes closed” If I had remembered who he is this would have been flattering. But, 8 hours later and I am still wracking my brain. Why cant I remember this guy. I remember every single guy I have kissed. Or at least I think I do. What the fuck did I do in round 1? Maybe, I should be asking myself who the fuck did I do?
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Did I really do my hair for this?
So, I had been eyeing this hot mechanic for the last few months. And he’s not just hot, he’s grease on your hands, check my oil please hot! A few weeks after my first tire rotation my check engine light came on..yes!!! I went to the repair shop and Mr mechanic was at the desk. I told him I needed someone to check under my hood and he obliged. He said he would call when my car was ready and told me his name. Could it be true? Could this be the answer to my only fear of getting married? I am neurotically attached to my last name. Since a best friend and I share the same first name, I have always been called by my last. I have often wondered what will people call me if i ever get married and change my name? Will I even know what to answer too? Well, this grease monkey man had the same last name as i mine! i was now convinced it was fate and imagining how cute the wedding invitations would be. So I did my usual reconnaissance; facebook stalking. I found my sur name soul mate and saw he was single. So I held my breath and friend requested him. I didn’t just leave it there.I went a step furthered and sent him a message making sure it wasn’t weird I stalked him in facebook and friended him. When he im’d me later that night saying it was not weird, I should have thought he was weird. Nope, Iwent on in bliss. I was ecstatic when he called and we spoke for almost 2 hours on the phone that night. I thought to myself, this is the first guy i have REALLY liked in long time. The last 12, I didn’t really know what i was talking about. So he called the next day and came over that night. After a few Bud Light Limes and so so conversation I was ready to meet the family. Even though he dissed me with the one armed hug, he still asked me out for the very next night when he left. (Actions speak louder than words!) i woke up the next morning smiling and bouncing around like Miley Cyrus on a stripper pole at the VMA’s. He even called that afternoon to confirm our plans for 7pm. I even blow dried my hair straight. If you have seen my hair, this is no small task ……..
8:30…I text him “guess you didn’t want to hang out” duh! If he wanted to hang out he would have shown up.
9:30 He butt dials me! 9:31…I call back and he butt answers. i overhear a redneck talking about a lawnmower. I call 3 more times in the next 30 minutes with no answer/
10pm…I receive a text that says he just left his friends baseball game and would be back in 30 minutes if I still wanted to hang out.
10:05pm…I call my roommate for advice. She says tell him no I’m already out.
10:10pm…I text ” sure, if you want to”
Still waiting for that response.
Moral of the story: Don’t get excited too quickly. If you have been pining over someone foe months or you think it’s love at first sight, aloof is always better than desperate. Take your friends advice. Never take your own. You will just rationalize with yourself until you think your erratic behavior is being a strong and independent woman.
P.S. The next day I got a brand new car and no longer need to go to the repair shop.